And the Wind is Always Shifting

"Straight Edge" by Minor Threat

But I've got better things to do,
Than sit around and fuck my head,
Hang out with the living dead.
Snort white shit up my nose,
Pass out at the shows.
I don't even think about speed,
That's something I just don't need

I've got the straight edge

I'm a person just like you
But I've got better things to do
Than sit around and smoke dope
'Cause I know I can cope
Laugh at the thought of eating ludes
Laugh at the thought of sniffing glue
Always gonna keep in touch
Never want to use a crutch

I've got the straight edge."

I've said before that I was once one of those annoying "AFI is God!" kind of fan girls. (In my defense, they were tied with Ani Difranco).

However, I was also a Straight Edge kid then, and took it all very seriously. Just as I was destined to always wear only black, I was also destined never to drink, smoke/use drugs, or engage in casual sex.

Oops.

I tumbled off that pillar of morality slowly- then very, very fast. And I woke up about a week ago to realize how far I've gone.

Well, the good news is that I haven't smoked in about nine months, haven't drank in three, have never done drugs, and usually have no trouble avoiding the casual sex part.

For a split second, I considered "reclaiming" edge. Aaand then I read this post, and remembered why I was uneasy with being edge in the first place. Aside from the general bitchiness, it made me realize that I just don't belong in this scene anymore. Like when my best friend from high school and I decided to go to Warped Tour this summer. We checked the band list and realized we didn't know half the bands performing. We've been out of the loop.

We outgrew punk. Hell, I outgrew being a crazy little hippie. So I look at my opinions on gender and breaking down the gender dichotomy, and I wonder: Will I lose this belief too? Is this just another phase/scene?

I like to think it's not, because I've never felt more comfortable in my skin- though, after feeling so masculine for so long, I was freaked out when I woke up one day feeling girly. Part of me worried that, if I gave in to that effeminate longing for the day, I'd be breaking some promise to myself.

Well, fuck that. That's the old punk vs. poser mentality I adhered to in high school. How I feel that day is how I feel, and I don't care what other people think.

I should live my life less by trying to adhere to the same appearances and tastes all my life, and instead expect people to view me more like Ani Difranco in "The Million You Never Made:

"I am warning you I am weightless,
and the wind is always shifting,
so don't hang anything on me
if you ever want to see it again.
I am telling you I'm different than you
think I am."