Who Wants to Be the Lizard King?

My heroes have always been rock stars.

First I wanted to be Billy Ray Cyrus (hush). Not a rock star, per se, but still. Music star. Then I wanted to be a Hanson brother- then a Madden brother as part of Good Charlotte. I wanted to be like Davey Havok of AFI, then Robert Smith of The Cure, then Conor Oberst Bright Eyes.

Never really wanted to be Avril Lavigne- though, looking back, I had a huge crush on her. See, female rock musicians are always heavily sexualized in a way I don't like- God help me, but that quote from Elly Jackson posted yesterday holds a grain of truth, about women's sexuality being used to attract men/fans.

And then there's Patti Smith- probably one of the first women I wanted to emulate. But apparently that's understandable. In Simon Reynolds' book Sex revolts : Gender, Rebellion, and Rock'n'roll, he explains that musicians like Patti Smith actually emulated men, becoming the rock stars in the Mick Jagger sort of tradition.

And there is nothing wrong with that. Aside from occasional whimsies, I'm not a big fan of “women's music.” I don't want to dress like a female musician, and I don't want to be treated like one, because at the end of the day, I'm not entirely sure that I'm a woman.

I'm something completely different. For that matter, I have a low singing voice, so a lot of times I can't keep up with the notes sung by female musicians.

Tegan and Sara, I love you dearly, but those are vocals I can't always handle.

Besides, being a rock star is sort of the ultimate Peter Pan complex. Rock stars aren't men. They're boys. They're living out the “dream,” however dangerous and unsuccessful it may be. They're not having to grow up.

And growing up is really the root of the problem. I look at the options I have to become: Woman or Man. Neither is particularly appealing, and I'd like to draw a nice label outside of the two for me to belong in. Because both of them carry their own expectations and rules that prevent me from being experimental, from being free, and from being myself.

Plus, so often, female-bodied musicians out there claim that they dress in an androgynous way so that their fans focus on their music rather than their appearance. I don't mind the focus on appearance at all. I just want a few more people out in the world to admit that they find androgynous people sexy as hell.

Because we all know they are.